In my previous post, I talked about No-Drama Discipline – The Whole Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. In this post, I am going to delve into the book’s contents and share with you its essence and key takeaways.
Parents, the most important people in a child’s life, play a huge role in shaping the little one’s heart, values and character. They are given the incredible privilege and responsibility of nurturing their children – teaching them to make wise choices, to be compassionate and loving, and to be thoughtful towards other people’s needs. I like to believe that most fathers and mothers set off on their parenthood journey with the intent to guide and raise their children right. However they may not choose the right approach to achieve this objective especially in a time-strapped environment where they will go into the auto-pilot mode of yelling at the child for spilling his food for the 13th time or sending him to the “naughty corner” to “reflect” in order to stop a negative behaviour immediately. More often than not, this entire dramatic process of shouting, screaming and threatening is extremely tiring and it strains the relationship between parent and child. According to the authors, giving consequences and taking punitive actions are actually counterproductive in getting your kids to cooperate with you. Very likely, and I am sure all parents can attest to this – they will repeat similar (destructive) behaviours very soon, probably in the next hour.
The central message of the book is that parents can discipline in a manner that is respectful and nurturing, but one that maintains clear and consistent boundaries. For a start, we should reframe our perspective of discipline. Rather than seeing it as just a means to stop a bad behaviour, we should view it as a way to foster development that builds good interpersonal skills and life skills; enhances our children’s abilities to make good decisions; and encourages them to be considerate and thoughtful.
Whole-Brain Approach
From the moment babies are born, their brain structures are constantly changing and this process continues till they are in their mid twenties. Experts have determined that the sort of experiences that children are exposed to shape their brain structure. This is good news for all parents! It means we are in the position of power to help our children grow up to be kind, responsible and enjoy successful relationships and meaningful lives.
The Whole-Brain Approach focuses on creating connections in a child’s brain which develop important life skills and better mental health. By carefully and intentionally choosing words and actions, we create experiences that make the right connections in our children’s brain. Over time, this will help them understand what it means to control their emotions, to control their own impulses and to handle themselves well in the future, automatically, because that’s how the brains have been wired.
The significance of the Whole-Brain Approach is that the more we help with building the brains, the less we have to struggle to achieve the short-term goal of gaining cooperation.
No-Drama Discipline Approach: Connect & Re-direct
How many of us have said this to our children – “If you are naughty, I will not bring you to the playground.” “See? Your sister has finished all her food. if you don’t eat yours, I am going to leave you alone at home.” (The last one happened to me a lot when I was a kid.)
How is any of the above going to make the child feel better in the middle of a tantrum or meltdown? Assuming that he even understands the idea of threat and blackmail, how do you think that is going to impact his emotional and mental health?
Connect
When children misbehave, that is when they need us the most. During a tantrum, they are facing difficulty navigating through a turmoil of feelings and impulses and they need us to calm them down. Connection means giving our kids our undivided attention and respecting them enough to listen to them. There are three benefits to connecting with our kids in the midst of a meltdown:
- It moves a child from reactivity to receptivity.
- It builds a child’s brain.
- It builds the relationship with your child
Our efforts in connecting with the little ones will yield better results if we:
- Let go of our past experiences and future fears
- Seek out the reason for the child’s behaviours: “Why is my daughter acting this way? What is she communicating?”
- Pay attention to the tone and body language. As they say, communication is 55% body language, 38% tone and 7% actual words.
Most times, children will calm down if they feel felt, that is, they know that their parents acknowledge their emotions, and want to comfort them through a loving touch, getting below your child’s eye level. When your child’s emotions are exploding, we should acknowledge and embrace his feelings by listening. Don’t explain, lecture or attempt to move him away from his feelings. Be attentive to what the child is trying to convey and once he is done, reflect back what you have been told to let him know that you have heard them.
Then, redirect
Discipline is teaching, not punishing. Most parents regard discipline as punitive therefore missing out on opportunities to teach their children important life skills. After you have connected with your kid calmly (re-direction is rarely going to be successful if emotions are running high), you can re-direct him to the lessons you want to teach. Ask yourself three questions when re-directing your child:
- Why did my child act this way?
- What lessons do I want to teach?
- How best can I teach it?
A couple of months back, my sisters and their families came to my place for a Chinese New Year lunch. It was a jovial affair as usual peppered with jokes and good-natured sarcasm. Amidst all the talking and laughing, I suddenly caught sight of my nephew sulking at his food.
“What’s up J? Are you all right?”
“I was talking to you but you didn’t hear me.” he replied.
“Oh I am sorry J. I could not hear you with all the chattering going on. Could you repeat what you were telling me?”
“No. Why couldn’t you hear me?”
“It was too noisy J. I am listening now. Could you tell me what was it that you wanted to share?”
“No, forget it.” came the curt reply.
Naturally, my sister wasn’t too pleased with his behaviour. A couple of days later, she texted me to tell me that she had a stern talking-to with him. I told my sister that I hoped she had made use of that moment to impart some lessons to him. Exercising patience in an increasingly noisy world and curbing the need for instant gratification are two takeaways from that episode. In addition, to sort of lighten up the mood and wrap things up, she could share some boardroom tips on how to make one’s voice heard above all the noises.
Children need repeated experiences that allow them to develop wiring in their brain – wiring which encourages delayed gratification and fight certain urges to react aggressively towards others. Do not be discouraged if your child still throws paint on the wall despite 231 attempts of re-directing and teaching. Persevere (note to self and hubby!) and trust that you are making good progress with shaping your kid’s brain in each attempt.
I love the book’s enlightening and deep-sighted approach towards disciplining children. My little boy is starting to push boundaries (and my buttons) and when the time comes for me to discipline him, especially in moments of distress and meltdown, I hope that I will remember to apply what I have learned from the book in those situations.